Interfacing, or face to face communication, used to be easier for me. Now I am not so sure what to do. A change of employment has spurred this more so than any lingering after effects of the near apocalypse scenario of some years ago at this point, where society shut down and locked up for a few months. Because I worked during most of that crisis and I believed I behaved admirably in my public facing customer service gig. (If anything, interfacing then may have been easier with a face mask.) But even before leaving my job I had started to struggle with communication with others, be they stranger or friend, and in fact this growing difficulty was a leading factor in my step back from work.
Now I'd prefer not to speak with anyone if I am given the choice not to. Every conversation holds subtle clues via word choice as to the power dynamics of the conversationalists, meaning one can tell what the other thinks of them based on cadence and word choice, which quick idioms are tossed around. In my efforts to be an egalitarian citizen, to pass no judgement onto others as I would not want passed onto myself, I am quite careful in my word choice. I'd prefer not to offend anybody by stepping out of line or to even put them down accidentally (to insult someone who does not understand the insult as advice or as a joke is to "bully the retarded" so to speak, and to realize I have perpetrated such a thing brings about a dreadful feeling). Now, the whole trouble with this arrises when I treat the conversation with this standard, but my partner does not. Often my partner will see this attitude from me and will pounce like a predator to take charge of the power dynamic. Perhaps I remind this person of their arch nemesis, or I am being profiled based on an archetype that fits me. (And I'm sure I do fall into some irksome archetypes). Sometimes this is a person having a bad day who is on autopilot. Of course. We all lose our patience at some point. But I will notice in these moments how casual a person can slip into this power grabbing stance in a conversation, how they can just do it so naturally like they don't even realize it. At this time I will be done with the conversation and try to leave, but there are instances where one needs a good or a service or is waiting for family or must do paperwork etc. Should I be accompanied by others, they won't notice the behavior at all! And even worse when confronting someone close to me who is partnered in a conversation that has turned down this path, they will not understand what they have done or they will further divert or subvert the conversation.
In a world that is narcissistic as a rule, where the game is every man for himself in pursuit of the almighty dollar, many of us have sublimated extreme cruelty into our everyday speech, and employ it readily as any other tool in our kit for even the smallest value of personal gain.
At least working in a public facing role would allow me to practise the bare essentials of eye contact, polite niceties, a sense of an empathetic perspective for the opponent (however vague that might be). As it stands now I do not have the energy to interface, often even with my own family. I hope they understand me but who knows. Perhaps I am just a psychopath idk.
I must get another job soon but when I do I hope it does not involve speaking with people.